Motivation.

Everyone is making their new year’s resolutions, and I find myself struggling to put into words what I feel deep inside. This past year kind of felt like having surgery without anesthesia (dramatization mine, obviously). From a very personal standpoint, 2024 was a very painful year, filled with drastic highs and lows- mostly lows. Just over halfway into this year, I reached my emotional and spiritual rock-bottom. For the first time in a decade, I found myself battling suicidal ideation. Wow. That’s hard to type.. but the truth is often the most painful to look at when it’s staring back at you in the mirror. Facing things I never thought I’d have to face, as well as things I never thought I’d have to face again, proved to be more than I felt I could cope with at the time. I withdrew from everyone and everything, pouring all of my energy and focus into the situation at hand. I closed myself off from the world for months, slipping deeper and deeper into depression. I didn’t even recognize the depression for a while, I was too busy just trying to survive every day. It seemed like every new day brought new problems, new fears and new pain- piling it all up higher and higher on top of me. I went days without showering (gross, I know); I spent days in my pajamas; there were days I barely got out of bed; there were days that all I did was cry. I stopped hanging out with friends.. stopped leaving the house.. stopped going outside.. I even stopped going to church. I was afraid. I was angry. I was exhausted. I was hurting.

I had someone in my life, at the time, who kept trying to remind me that I “wasn’t the only one with problems,” but that did little, if nothing, to help me crawl out of the place I’d found myself in. After all, I didn’t think I was the only person struggling. I hadn’t decided that only my own problems or struggles were the only ones that mattered, but when you’re facing a crisis of that magnitude, and being suffocated by the grip of depression, messages like those (no matter how well-intentioned they may be) don’t help at all. In fact, they only serve to add to the burden. It reminded me of how Job’s “friends” tried to “help” him when he was suffering by accusing him of wrongdoing. These friends thought they knew what Job was doing wrong, and what he needed to do to “fix it.” They thought that if they could convince Job to confess to some evil deed he’d “obviously" committed, God would then be inclined to deliver him from his pain and suffering. Here’s the thing, I know that Job’s friends may have meant well, but all they did was add to his suffering. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is just SIT QUIETLY with the suffering. That’s hard, because our human nature drives us to want to close the door on pain as quickly as possible. It’s uncomfortable to look at.. but sometimes, sitting with the sufferer in their suffering is the most helpful and loving thing that you can do. Sometimes, that friend who’s “closed herself off from everyone” just needs one person who’s willing to push past those barriers and climb her walls. We don’t have to show up at her house unannounced, or bombard her with text messages and phone calls. We could do something as simple as dropping a card in the mailbox, with a hand-written note. We could make a coffee run and leave her favorite drink on her porch (one of my amazing neighbors did this). You never know what a simple thought and show of kindness can do for a suffering soul. This is ministry, in its finest form- pure and selfless. Unfortunately, so many of us are driven by a vain nature; so many don’t want the ministry that operates quietly behind the scenes. Too many simply don’t want the ministry that doesn’t earn them accolades and “atta girls.” So many want the title, the instant gratification, or just the recognition. But this is not ministry at all; this is not the heart of Jesus. We are to sit with the broken, and store up our reward in heaven. Those who see ministry as a competitive sport, or something to make themselves look good; those who feel the need to advertise their worship and good deeds in front of people, have already received all the recognition they're gonna get (Matthew 6:2).

My “friend’s” words when I was suffering fell flat, and my suffering continued. I don’t fault her for it. After all, I’ve been that "friend" myself. You know, the one who was no friend at all. This was eye-opening for me. I spent the last five months of this year doing a deep dive into my motivations. I took a long, hard look in the proverbial mirror, and I didn’t like the person that stared back at me. I was burned out on church; burned out on friendship; burned out on ministry.. I was burned out on life. How had I gotten here? What drove me to this place? The answer was looking squarely back at me, and that was the real gut punch. I mean, sure, others had certainly contributed to the journey with their lies, gossip and betrayal, but ultimately, I had made the choice to take this last detour and end up in the place I found myself in. I had allowed the situations and circumstances to be the roadmap of my life, and it had led me to a desert, dry and barren place.

Many psychologists believe there are four primary motivations for everything that we do:

FEAR, DESIRE, DUTY and LOVE. While it’s true that either one of these motivations may be able to bring about the same end result, I’ve discovered it’s important to frequently stop and evaluate which motivation we’re mainly operating in. Let me break this down a bit further..

Imagine that your phone chimes, you pick it up, and it’s a text message from your friend. The text message states that she needs your help with something. You think for a moment, and then respond “Sure, no problem.”

What motivated you to respond this way?

1. You say to yourself: “If I say no, she might be mad at me.” Anxiety or worry motivates your decision. -FEAR.

2. You say to yourself: “I’m going to need a favor next week, and if I help her now, maybe she’ll help me.” You’re hoping to gain something from this for yourself. -DESIRE.

   
   

3. You say to yourself: “She’s my friend, and friends should show up for each other no matter what.” Your personal values and morals are motivating this decision. -DUTY.

   
   

4. You say to yourself: “I am in a position where I’m able to help, so I’m more than happy to help my friend.” -Your motivation is simply the LOVE you have for your friend.

Anything that we do (for others or for ourselves) can be done from the higher motivations of duty and love, or from the lower motivations of fear and desire. You may wonder why it matters, but think about it.. If you’re operating from the motivation of fear, you’re not really taking action of your own free will, you’re reacting to your own insecurity. If you’re operating from the motivation of desire, you’re not really compelled to act on anyone’s account but your own; always reaching, scratching and searching for whatever that thing is you think you need to gain out of the situation. Both fear and desire compel you to act because of outside forces- always needing the acceptance, validation or approval of someone else, and always a victim of the perceptions and opinions of others. The problem is, neither one of these motivations will ever bring you satisfaction, peace or joy. They certainly won’t give you the abundant life Christ came to give us (John 10:10).

In 1st Corinthians 16:14, we read “Let all that you do be done in love.” I used to believe this meant to do things “lovingly..” but now I see this verse differently. I believe we are to make sure that LOVE is the MOTIVATION behind ALL that we do. You see, people can pretend to love you.. they can even pretend to love what they’re doing. People can be really good at pretending, but what they can’t do is truly lie to themselves about their motivation. I mean, sure, they could probably convince themselves of their own "good nature" for a while, but they couldn’t fake it to themselves forever. Deep down, people always know the truth about themselves, even if they try to hide it from everyone else. I believe that if we find ourselves doing anything out of the motivations of fear and/or desire, what we will ultimately find is that we are simply offering our own counterfeit version of love.

This year, I want to make it my aim to be motivated by love and duty. I can’t pretend to have this all perfected, and I'm sure I never will, but I want to strive for it, to work at it. This is my goal this year- to constantly work on my motivation; to let all that I do be done in love, and love alone. Sometimes, this may look like me saying "no" to something I’d normally say "yes" to, and in the moment, that may not “feel” very loving, but if my motivation is fear (see above), then it is better for my answer to be no until I am motivated by love. This is the only way for me to truly be genuine and authentic, and it's the only way for everyone involved to get the best from me. No more pretending to feel things I do not feel. It’s time to really get real.

Maybe you’re scratching your head wondering how this all ties together, so let me close the loop here.

The pain and suffering I experienced this past year has caused me to see the world, and the WORD, differently. God has not changed, nor has His word, but I believe that it has been at the lowest points of my life, in the fragility of my own despair and humanity, that my view of Him, and of His heart, have become just a bit clearer. It has been when I've been at my very weakest, and recognized the deep desperation of my total dependence on Him that the magnitude of His incredible grace, perfect holiness and absolute sovereignty have been the absolute clearest. I believe that this has always been the point. He often has to bring us to the very end of ourselves before we begin to realize just how incapable we are of making it on our own.

The Bible tells me in Proverbs 16:9 that I can make my plans, but it is the Lord that determines my steps. There are places I want and need to go physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and it’s so encouraging to know that while I’m making my plans, God is directing my steps. He surely knows the way better than I ever could. When I was living out the pain and seemingly desolate places of 2024, He was directing my steps. When I was focused on trying to get control of all the little details, He was seeing the bigger picture, and working it all out for my good. He knew that in order to get where He’s calling me to, I would have to pass through this fire. It came as no surprise to Him. He’s not finished with me yet, and I’m so thankful.

Here’s to 2025 - may all that I do be done in LOVE!